I like to appear like I’ve got it all together. And most people have no problem allowing me the satisfaction of this fallacy. Always someone singing my praises, commending my strength, admiring my poise and applauding my successes. That’s because these bystanders are surveying my life from a distance. Although they know me from a distance, they support the efforts I make to be an ethical person, a good friend and somehow funny….I wonder what they’d think of me if they knew the prison I’d called relationship for all these years.
If they knew that you…..you who I claim to be my angel, whose arms I claimed I always run to for refuge, and who I claim to be one of the best things that ever happened to me….took every opportunity to force feed me my shortcomings, remind me of my faults and ugly past and magnify my imperfections. You reminded me daily what I already know….that I am flawed. You verbally abused me in presence of friends, peers and even haters and wannabes, as if it’s an hobby or a God-given talent, though it seems inborn and inherited. Seeing me happy makes you unhappy!!!
But recently I’ve become increasingly appreciative of your piercing brand of truth. I know that I’d become angry in the past because of the obvious enjoyment you find in my humiliation, but I understand now that I was really angry with myself for tolerating your degradation and disrespect. Thank you, it has helped me to move on. Because what I know now is that there is no shame in being damaged, in fact there is a sense of relief in accepting that I am human. I am no longer the person I had been for you!
I am not weak, helpless or fragile. I am not inadequate, ignorant or as stupid as you thought. I am not useless or insignificant. And I am not unloved! I have rediscovered my authentic self. The man, that is independent, strong, loving and kind; the man that speaks from his heart without apology; the man who loves having fun and helping others and the man who is whole. Yes whole…..without you!!!
Remembering nights of weeping when I should have been sleeping; wanting true rest but having no peace, being looked at without optimism and yet here I am basking in the euphoria of being a legend and someone who could shine in the dark, make the room drunk just from my presence while many wonder what it was.……I am worth more than gold.
It didn’t take for me to lose my life to know what I wanted, what my purpose is in life. I am the King that needs no queen for I am royalty. Love me or leave me but you wanted to destroy me. You took me for granted, yet I didn’t make a move. One would expect me to say it’s my fault on all the things that you do. When I finally found myself all I had to do was look into the eyes of the person in the mirror to see that which is me because I am special. No matter the verbal jabs or the times you step to…me. See know that I am free I can truly be what I am supposed to be and when I look across at you, I expect you to see that I am more then what you will ever be.
I say to you good riddance and can’t say I hope the best, but I speak positive into everything. This day I rest to wake and know I am loved, above external expression but deep into myself…I found the answer, to the world loud and bold. I am loved because I shine in the dark place that I am in no more because I now know my worth and indeed I am worth more than gold.