Sorry for the emergency stop over, it was due to the loss of one of our engines. Thanks to our rigorous and punctilious engineers, everything has been restored back to order. I vehemently hope the rest of the journey is hitch-free. Let me remind you once again…. “You are all on-board at your own risk” and this is censored 18+ by the Federal Agency for Boredom Airline Regulations and Control (FABARC). I still remain your one and only meticulous host Capt. Ayodeji Lancaster.
Here we go;
Are you from a rich family? → Hmm… My father is a palm wine tapper and my mother is a palm oil seller. (Picture that) If you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll understand.
One word for haters and wannabes → You will always be under my status just like your Facebook comments.
Last thing you will ever do with your life → Cyber Crime (Yahoo Yahoo). All my money get receipt.
One thing you can never ever do? → Rape and Cyber Crime
One food you detest most? → Burial’s Beans Cake
One drink you detest most? → Yoghurt and any other drink with or that taste like Soya milk.
Can you drive? → Of course, I can drive anybody insane.
Of all your Facebook friends, who do you love the most? → ***loading***
Have you ever fallen in love with anybody on your FB friend’s list → Yes, it happened once and it went crazy.
Can you marry anybody on you friend’s list? → Now, that is a question.
Have you ever masturbated? → When I say “fuck me” or “I fucked myself up”, does it count as masturbation?
What piss you off most on Radio? → Ending of cigarette advert, when the guy said “The Federal Ministry of Health warns that smokers are liable to die young”…..Rubbish
Have you done something you later regret? → Yeah, I wrote “Fuck You” once on someone FB’s wall.
Why do you regret that? → I should have done that more often….(sobbing)
Are you a player? → We all are, in different fields. I’m a soccer player, FM player, snooker player and lots more…….
Broken anybody’s heart? → Hmm… Yes, but not anyone that didn’t deserve it. The table would have turned if I wasn’t swifter.
Pick a number? → Again? Ok, “8”
Why “8”? → Numbers of children I’ll like to have, by birth and by adoption. (So help me God)
Do you have a girlfriend? → Must you know everything? Next question please.
Do you aim at being a celebrity someday? → No, I just want to be happy, to appreciate my friends and family and to be appreciated too.
Are you okay health wise? → How do I tell? I read Chemistry not Medicine.
When are you going to stop all these? → When I die.
What does that mean? → It means I’ll keep writing till the day I die.
When will that be? → Only God knows…..Enough of that abeg. Let’s talk about something else.
Do you have crazy friends? → I’m crazy and I have a lot of friends, but didn’t someone say “Bird of a feather flocks together”?
What surprises you most about Nigerians? → They keep suffering and smiling.
What change would you like to see on Facebook? → “Unlike” and “Hate” buttons, and instead of “Poke”, put “Slap”.
Losing a lover or loving a loser? → What if you lover is a loser, unknown to you?
Have you ever cheated? → Yeah, I’ve cheated death a lot of times, cos I should have died along time ago (Thank God)
Favourite food → Cook me a bag of rice, Imma finish it.
What other thing are you addicted to more that Facebook? → Eating meat. I’m an addict. I can use my mouth to finish a cow(ard) in five minutes.
What surprise you most about your ex-girlfriend(s)? → They kept calling me “God” anytime we are …….
Do you ever sleep during the day? → Not really. I sleep only when I’m sick or my laptop gets spoilt.
Most frequent caller → My Mum
Most SMS/MMS sender → Hmm….Call me backs from my friend “Toosin”
Most “Flasher” → Same answer as Question 35.
Where would you like to spend Feb. 14 → In an orphanage, sharing my love and blessings.
What job do you ever imagine yourself doing → A US Presidential Speech Writer (impossible is nothing)
Have you written any book before → Yeah, a collection of over 40 poems, I wrote for my last girlfriend and a storybook I wrote back then in ‘02
Last time you shed tears? → Around 2002
Why? → I saw the body of a thirteen year old girl, killed by a moving truck while hawking cold water on the expressway and it dawned on me that it could be me or any of my loved ones, I’m only just luckier.
Any secret admirer? → How am I supposed to know when it’s secret?
Have you thought of getting married of late? → Marriage??? At this age and stage, when I never get BB let alone buildings. Anyway, Eccl 3 Vs 1 said there is time for everything.
Most precious electronic/gadget → My laptops, they are my adopted family we can’t do without each other for a second.
Are you in love? → Yes, with Miss Poetry. Nothing more.
Do you keep malice? → Hmm…..I tried it one time with someone for more than a year, but I felt guilt-free with a clear conscience.
What brings out the best in you? → Talking with friends on how we can be better and make it in life.
What brings out the beast in you? → Telling lies on me, most especially when it had to do with someone else’s relationship issues.
Last gift received → Aside the gift of life, my NOJ Hon Speaker Adewale Azeez Soremekun (Sore Eyes) sent me a Multilink’s (#500) card, it came just at the time I needed it the most. It was my first gift of the year.
Your greatest teachers → Aside life and experience, my Mum has been my greatest teacher because from her I learnt how to live and how to love truly. From *****, I learnt how to hate.
If you have a chance to time-travel, where will you return to? → Well, that definitely will be the night I was born, so I can kick the ass of the nurse who induced my Mum to sleep while in child labour.
Someone you wish you could always share every second of your day with → My brothers, Adekunle & Adebayo.
Something you can’t wait for? → I can’t wait to meet someone who will love me more than my Mum.
Money or love? → Love, because when it’s true, can make way for all the money needed for a lifetime of happiness.
Are you a “FINE BOY”? → I can’t say for sure. There is this security man in my hall back then in my undergraduate days, he usually call me “fine boy” anytime I give him “something” and fucking boy anytime I give him “nothing”.
Is there anybody you will like to apologize to? → Yeah, My friend Gbadeyan Adeola, I’m sorry for failing to type your project write-up and my friend Sanni Tobi for failing to help upload your pictures on Facebook.
Best time as an undergraduate → Almost all the time cos I’m always around my good friends who love me and I love in return.
Worst time as an undergraduate? → September 17, 2007. I was totally broke.
Made any new friend of late? Hmm…..sort of. Some ladies in my neighborhood.
Rumour has it that you don’t have a girlfriend, does that mean you are gay? → About the rumour, I heard nothing about it and the gay part, how possible is that when fine chic(s) full ground and the beautiful ones are being born daily.
Who do you miss most presently? → My nuclear family.
Have you ever hated anybody before? → Yeah, OGD (anti-GOD) for turning my four year course to seven years through incessant strike actions.
Special appreciation → Special thanks to my entire friends (Real, True & Facebook), fans and loved ones who sacrificed their valuable time and resources to read my boring writings which came as a result of my recent boredom and insomnia. I hope to do the same for y’all too, incase you fall into my shoes.
What are you thinking now? → Not finishing this and calling it quit.
What do you crave for presently? → A vacation…….I need to get outta here before I go insane
What time is it now? → 02:34A.M and it’s high time I forced myself to sleep.
Ladies and gentlemen onboard, with uttermost joy from the innermost part of my heart, I wish to announce that we are about to land safely at the airport. Kindly hold your ribs and fasten your seat belt as we approach the tarmac. Thank you for patronizing Lancaster Boredom Airline. I hope to have you on board some other time.