I am a man, a distressed man. I used to be funny, effervescent, a very happy man and I still want to be. I used to be a writer, a blogger and an avid reader. My muse fell between cracks and recent happenings beclouded my sense of humor. Right now, I can’t fix in my mind the last time I heartily laughed out loud. Yeah, life is not a bed of rose… Blah blah blah… and it’s filled with ups and downs but these “philosophers” haven’t walked in my shoes so they know not how bad it hurts. This “down” part of life is way too much for my soft heart to contain.
I used to be a very happy man and I still want to be…
Sometimes, I wish I checked into life with a remote control and an instruction manual probably tied to my umbilical cord, never to be separated. I would have been able to stop myself from making some bad decisions and as well skipped some silly mistakes or at least get to rewind so as to re-live some glorious happy moment. Well, isn’t that what they say make life what it is?
A jillion times I tried to build a monument out of the bricks life and people around heaved at me but laying a foundation wasn’t as facile as I thought it would and some lessons were learnt. Some things I held onto were so real yet surreal. Sometimes I believe a lie, sometimes I tell a lie, sometimes I live it.
Where in the good book is it written that trusting people with your heart is a decay? Someone must have missed out a paragraph or two while collating the epistles or so I think? Trusting people with my seemingly pliable heart has always been my greatest imperfection and again I did it. You tell me a line, a lie and like an hungry fool I’ll swallow it hook, line and sinker without any skepticism.
I’ve played with fire more than once, I’ve been burnt twice but the “once bitten twice shy” saying doesn’t exist in my manual. I kept sharing my heart with people I, of my clear conscience but somehow naïve thinking, felt deserves it.
Where did I go wrong?
All my life, I’ve always excelled at everything I do but why do I keep failing at my relationships? Five, six, seven and counting…
Ivie said I’m too good to be true and I’m sort of an encyclopedia. When does it become a misdemeanor to be intelligent and have an insatiable hunger for knowledge? Tayo said I’m way too caring to be real. Do I have to hit her with a baton just to prove that I have something standing in my pants? Amina said I’m too “handsome” and romantic not to be a flirt. Need I change my looks, add some tribal marks and pluck out my “mischievous” eyes just to look less attractive? Or is it a debauchery to try out some new romantic tips I watched in movies or read in books just to stir up our relationship? Does that mean she deserves to be treated less than the queen she is by the king that I am? Ekaette said I’m too frolicsome and unserious to ever think of getting married someday. Am I going to get out of this world alive? Why would I take life too seriously when I know it’s ephemeral and all I have left to spend might just be this moment? (True, I want to be married and Yes, to a woman and have kids). Ezinne thinks I’m too jealous and somehow possessive. Wait, does she want me to love something and set it free like that “odd” saying?
Who are these kiddies kidding?
Of a truth, I know and I know they know that I know I’m weird, though not in an appalling way but will they just accept that that’s what individuate me from the guy standing next to me or my look-alike?
I’ve played with fire, I got burnt. The wound has healed but the scar forever will stay. Not even skin grafting or application of honey, shea-butter or Virgin anti-spot will erase the marks left on my used-to-be soft skin.
I’m addled now more than ever – maybe love isn’t for me, maybe I fell for the wrong reasons, maybe I fell off the planet, maybe I got the wrong girls, maybe I hit my head when I was little, maybe someone put an hex on me… Whatsoever the case may be, today I’m going to live, I’ll learn. Today I’ll make mistakes, today I’ll forgive and let go of the past. Today I’ll love again and if I’m loved in return or hated for whatever cause, I’ll rise again, undeterred, standing up taller and stronger, never to give in to self pity nor regrets, never to stop doing things that made me what I am even in the face of heartbreaks and seasonal unhappiness.
I will be ME and always will be and like Abraham Lincoln wrote “I walk slowly, but I never walk backward”